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Good evening from Southeast Asia. This will be episode or volume number 183 of the AlienAnalProbe.com2
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podcast. Things. Scary things. Disturbing things. Nasty, disgusting, foul-mouthed things.3
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Oh god, they're bad. They're awful. Should never listen to them.4
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Kids should never listen to them. Adults shouldn't either. Not even the dog. Not even the cat. Cats5
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are very sensitive. They don't like this shit. Scares them. I've talked to them many times about6
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this and they just say, you know, it's just too scary for cats. Okay. All tapes are copyright7
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2023 by stockphotosworldwide.com. You can go there and look for the alien and then look for the8
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alien and then take you here. Or if you're too lazy to do that, you can go here directly to alien9
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anal probe.com, which is contained within the stockphotosworldwide.com website. Thing. Also,10
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we have done a wild and crazy thing. We have been informed that some people11
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have wanted to refer their friends, family, grandmother, whatever. No, not their grandmother.12
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That's not going to work. To alien anal probe.com. But they didn't want to say that out loud because13
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they're nice people. You know, they're nice girls and stuff like that. And they don't want to say14
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anal probe. That's too disgusting. And oh my god. So we've added a new domain name.15
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All it does is point to alien anal probe.com. That's all it accomplishes. So the name of that domain is16
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they claim. So under lights, dashes, t h e y c l a i m dot com. Okay.17
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So you could. This is a bad trick. You can tell your particularly sensitive family, like your18
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friend. The more I think about this, the more evil it's going to be. You can tell your minister,19
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you know, hey, you want to know something about aliens? Go to they claim.com and that'll take you.20
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That'll take you right to the alien anal probe.com page. And I think that's what it'll show in the21
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URL in the bar on top. And then they're going to realize they've been punked and they're not going22
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to listen to anything anyway. So whatever they claim.com because the way that came to me was23
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actually yesterday. And I was like, well, I'm going to go to the alien anal probe.com page.24
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Yesterday. And I realized that, you know, I go through these stupid files,25
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reports of alien probing and stuff. And, you know, I don't want to take responsibility for them.26
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And I don't want to take responsibility for any of their statements. And so, you know,27
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I'll read some outrageous stupid comment or claim.28
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And, you know, I don't want to read it as if it's fact. I just, I preface it very, very often with29
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they claim that, you know, 23 aliens came down, probed them all for 29 hours. And30
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they couldn't sit down anymore, you know, like that. I just say they claim. That gets me off the hook.31
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So I got so tired of saying that I thought, what the hell? I wonder if that domain name is open.32
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And I thought, no, it couldn't possibly be. No, no, no, that's not the domain name.33
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No, no, no, that's got to be gone. And so I, after that particular podcast, I went and checked it.34
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Sure enough, it's available. So, you know, whatever. So now there's three ways you can get your35
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stock photos worldwide.com. Alien anal probe.com. They claim.com. Why? I don't know.36
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Oh, and then the RSS feed. You know, whatever. We're just really, really bored people.37
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Okay. So we have a giant collection. We started out with 9,000 some reports38
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where they claim that aliens came and probed them. Probed. Probed. Okay. That's the claim.39
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That's what they claim. All right. And then we've gone through, I don't know how many now,40
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we got 8,000 and some left. And if any of the claims where they claim that something happened,41
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if any of them seem like they have any credibility at all, we will take a little pinch of sand and42
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put it in a bucket. Maybe someday the bucket is full. And if it is, then we believe in aliens.43
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Okay. Right now we're at 75% in a smidge. 75.01 something like that. I don't know.44
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And that's what we do here. That's it. That's our job. Okay. And so every episode I spin the dial45
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and kind of like spinning the roulette wheel, you know, and wherever the marble drops, that's the46
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number of the one that we start with. And, you know, here we go. We've covered all of them,47
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the really old ones. We've still got them from, I think about the early 1700s going forward,48
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something like that, that we have not covered yet, you know, inclusive in that 8,000 and something49
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that we haven't covered. So think about this for a minute though. If we, let's say we've done a50
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thousand. I'm not sure. Maybe we've done a thousand, covered a thousand in depth before,51
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you know, in the old versions of the alienanoprobe.com tapes. We did countless thousands and we didn't52
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like them because they were designed for family and friends and they started to escape into the53
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real world and we didn't like that. So we just shit can them all. We shit can them all. Okay. Yeah,54
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we're swearing again. We had a few episodes we didn't swear. We didn't like that. Okay. We didn't55
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like that. So now we have freedom of speech again. So anyway, let's say, let's say that we've done a56
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thousand for sake of argument. Let's say we've done a thousand out of our 94, 9600, however many.57
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And out of the, from that thousand, we have been able to fill our bucket to 75 percent in a smidge58
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full. Believe me, if it's a hundred percent full, then we believe, you know, I'll probably go to59
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like a hundred and eight percent, something like that, because I want that sand, you know,60
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heaped up and falling out onto the floor. But anyway, if we have gotten 75 percent of a belief61
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out of a thousand reports and we have 8200 or so to go, what do you think the odds are that at some62
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point we will believe? You know, I always tell everybody, you know, they say, are aliens real?63
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And I say, well, I'm not going to tell you, you know, I'm not going to tell you God's real. I'm64
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not going to tell you the great pumpkin's real. I'm not going to tell you that Cartman's unfortunate65
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experience was modeled after a real life event. You know, I'm not going to tell you anything like66
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that. But I will tell you, if you do the research, if you do the research, you will find the answer.67
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And that's an absolute fact. You will. There is enough material now, probably 10 times over,68
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to make it possible for you to reach a conclusion. Whether that's to believe or not to believe,69
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that's up to you. But the materials there, you don't have to wonder for the whole rest of your70
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life, are aliens real? Okay, you did. When I was a kid, you had to wonder because there wasn't enough71
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stuff out there. You don't have to wonder anymore. You will know if you do the research, you will know72
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period. So don't go around wringing your hands and whining, are aliens real? Oh my God, nobody knows.73
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Do the research and you will know. That's it. Okay, so here's location. Oh God, Spanish name,74
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I can't pronounce it. Jico Tia, I don't know, Los Villas, Cuba. Date, 1915. Time, late evening.75
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Two men were patrolling the edge of a sugarcane field on horseback when suddenly they neared a bend76
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on the trail. As they neared a bend on the trail, come on, brain spool up here, the horses stopped77
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and would not move, snorting as if in panic. I remember this one vaguely. I have not gone through78
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these for many, many years. So they're pretty much, you know, to be considered cold reads for me. But79
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sometimes I sort of vaguely remember. Well, I don't remember what's going to happen in this one, but80
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I'm just going to mention that I used to ride a lot in New Mexico out on the hogback, sandstone81
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hogback. It was gorgeous country. Oh my God, it was gorgeous. And there was a little teeny tiny82
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valley, hardly a valley, like a draw, really a shallow draw. Okay, and to go from my little83
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ranch thing to anywhere out on the hogback, you had to go through that little valley thing. It was,84
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I don't know, three quarters of a mile, a half to three quarters of a mile longish,85
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a thwart ships as it were, and probably 400, 500 yards wide. Okay, so you had to,86
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if you're riding anywhere, you had to cross this little strip of land. There was nothing there,87
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nothing there. There's some pinion pines and some shit like that. You know, there was nothing,88
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some prickly pear cactus and some redstone, red sandstone rocks and pretty little place. You know,89
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you could have had a picnic there if you wanted to. And I rode a lot. I mean, I rode hundreds of90
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miles. And at this particular place, all of the horses, every single time would stop and refuse91
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to cross that little valley. We had just crossed 15 of them to get there. And beyond this valley92
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would be another 50 or 80 or 100 little valleys, just like it, but they would not cross this one.93
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And at first I said, Oh, well, hell, something died there, you know, or there's some kind of94
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damn thing, it's a lion or something lurking around. But there weren't no lions. And this95
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went on year after year after year, only in this valley. And I do not know why. I never figured it96
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out. Never figured it out. It was the only place I ever knew where that happened. I mean, sometimes97
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you get a horse, he's, you know, spooky and skittish. He doesn't like some particular place. He98
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didn't like some particular thing, but you can work him through it, you know, always, always you can.99
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But in this case, we had to ride around that little place. All of us, not just one horse, all the100
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horses, and I don't know why. So anyway, when they're talking about the horses stopped and101
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would not move, snorting as if in a panic, that brought back that little rote of memory of mine.102
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Okay. The men then noticed what appeared to be a small white sack-like bundle on the ground near103
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the trail. Well, that'll do it. You know, I've got a lot of horses. That's all it would take.104
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A little grocery bag, you know, that's it. They're done. Oh, geez. Oh, God, it's aliens.105
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Okay. Well, okay. So far the mystery is solved. Both men had the impression that whatever it was,106
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it was a living thing. Okay. Okay. Okay. Dang it. Then they're done that. I've told this story107
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before. I was in Canada, Northern Canada, on a boat by myself. Smooth, glassy water, the teetiest108
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little bit of a swell, you know, maybe a six inch ground swell, something like that. Really lovely109
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day. I was cruising along and cruising along and everything was just fine. I noticed up ahead,110
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you know, just slightly off to the left of my course, there was a log in the water, just a log.111
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And there were logs everywhere. You know, come on. This was logging country. So I just, you know,112
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I was going to miss it if I just kept going straight. I was going to miss it anyway. No big113
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deal. And so I just go along, go along. I had spotted it at probably, I don't know, three,114
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400 yards from it. Just made a, just a vague mental note, you know. And I got closer and closer115
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and closer and it just kept noticing it because I'm looking where I'm going, you know, and there's116
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nothing else to look at except blue sea and this log thing. And I got closer to it and I realized,117
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Jesus, that's some kind of living thing. That's some kind of, what the hell is that thing? It was118
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really long. It was, it wasn't as long as a log truck log. It was probably 30 feet, 30 feet.119
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And probably from what I could see, probably no more than two feet in diameter.120
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But it was kind of a weird, sneaky looking shape. And this little teeny tiny swell was making it121
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sort of roll, you know, in the swell. But it rolled in a really unnatural way. Really, I'd never seen122
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anything like that in my life. And I used to run tugboats, tow and log booms, you know. I knew about123
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logs in the water. But this thing, I finally came to the conclusion, this is something alive. This124
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is a living thing. And I couldn't figure out what the hell it was. I mean, we had lots of whales up125
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there. None of them looked like that. Sea lions, you know, maybe a family of sea otters or something,126
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you know, doing the macarena in unison. I said, I don't know what the hell. But I determined that127
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this thing was alive. And I thought, what the hell is that thing? And I altered course so I would go128
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more closely by it. And as I got more close to it, I realized, oh, Jesus, well, they were just a129
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trick of light and the water. And it wasn't alive after all. It was just a log and some, you know,130
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a little swell. You know, it just had this weird balance to it somehow. It was kind of crookedy and131
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stuff. And the little swell thing, you know, was making it roll in an unnatural way. But it was132
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just a log. OK. So I kept going, kept going, got closer and closer. And then I had to amend that.133
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I had to start over from scratch. Son of a bitch, it is alive. It is alive. What in the hell?134
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What could it be? Never saw anything like that. And it was middle afternoon, you know, nice day.135
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No other boats within 100 miles. I think only probably maybe three or four people living136
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in the bush up there within 100 miles. So it was really long. I thought, oh, God, it's a big foot137
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turned to swim somewhere. You know, what the hell? And so I nudged the wheel and went a little closer138
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to it. I didn't want to get too close to it because I didn't know if it could jump onto the boat,139
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you know, probe me, something like that. So I very, very slowly, I dogged the power down to,140
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you know, a knot or two, just creep and creep and slower than walking speed. And I got to within141
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40 feet of it and realized that it wasn't a log. It was alive. And then realized that it wasn't142
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alive. It was a log. And I went back and forth like that probably, I don't know, at least five143
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or six times, totally convinced of one thing and then totally convinced of the opposite and then144
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totally convinced again of the first thing and then back and forth like that. And as I pulled145
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away from it, I looked back at it, the light was a little different. And I concluded again that it146
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might have been alive or maybe not or something. Probably wasn't, but don't know. So these guys say147
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both men had the impression that whatever it was, it was a living thing. Well, been there, done that,148
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you know, shit can look like it's alive. I see some of these little videos of stuff in space.149
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You know, somebody from one of the missions takes a video of something in space. Oh my God,150
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it looks like a 300 foot long snake. Oh, son of a bitch, there's living goddamn snakes flying in151
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space. Oh, Jesus. But they're not, you know, they're not, they're just some optical illusion,152
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some piece of line that got loose or something from some other spacecraft or whatever.153
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I don't believe there's living things flying in space. I'm not going to say that positively154
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because, you know, they claim there are. But, you know, my sense of reality tells me that living155
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things don't fly in space, but I still keep a tiny little window in the back of my brain open just to156
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crack this case. I don't say hardly anything positively anymore. I just know I've been proved157
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wrong way too many times. Okay, so here we go. The bundle now began approaching the now terrified158
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horse as well. It could be a goddamn bag, the wind's blowing it. Shit, it could be a little dust159
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table blowing it around it. I mean, that's what we do here. We dismantle shit until whatever's left160
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might be real. Okay, one of the men, and no, we don't do swamp gas. God damn it. One of the men161
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that was armed with a pistol fired several shots at the thing. Okay, I used to be good enough with162
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a pistol. I could shoot rattlesnakes off the back of a dancing horse pretty much four times out of163
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five. And I have known all kinds of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of other people164
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who thought they could shoot, but they could not. So they say one of the men that was armed with a165
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pistol fired several shots at the thing. Both men were then astonished to see that the bundle166
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seemed, they claim, to become larger every time it was shot at. What the hell? Jeez, you know,167
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I got another story. God dang it. I dismantled the stuff by personal experience. I was in a boat168
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alone one time up in southern Canada. Where the hell was I? Somewhere around there in the salt169
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water. And I had a smallish to medium channel to cross, and it was sucked in zero-zero fog. Like,170
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man, I mean like five feet of visibility. But I'd done this a million times, and I knew the171
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compass courses, and I knew how much I had to correct, depending on which way the current was172
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flowing. And you know, there's no video. But when you're cruising in the fog in a boat,173
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you tend to stare very, very intently out the window. Because, you know, you never know when174
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all of a sudden right in front of you, 10 feet away, it's going to get kind of dark and shadowy.175
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And there's going to be the flat old slab side of a freighter cruising on by you.176
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And you're going to plow into the, you're going to t-bone it, you know, and sink. And they're177
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not going to feel anything. They're not going to feel anything at all. There's going to be no178
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report because they didn't feel you. So anyway, you're staring really, really hard. And179
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when you do that, your eyes do a strange thing. I got to the other side and I was really close to180
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the other shore, but still in the fog. So I'd been intently staring for, you know, an hour, just181
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staring into the... Pilots call it the white room. Paragliders, PPG call it the white room. They go182
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up into the clouds and you don't see nothing but white. You're in the white room. And that's what183
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it's like being in the fog on the ocean. Then you're staring and staring and you're looking for184
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anything. And you sort of forget that you're only seeing 10 feet. You know, you sort of think185
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you're seeing, you know, whatever, 50, 100 feet. You sort of subconsciously think that.186
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:39,600
Okay, so I got close to the other side and all of a sudden, right almost on my course, like 30 feet187
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:46,800
ahead, there was a bird. But it was the biggest goddamn bird I ever saw in my life. Oh, son of188
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:54,800
a bitch. It was as big as a goddamn picnic table. Jesus, I was just stunned. I was just stunned189
00:21:54,800 --> 00:22:01,040
for a second. I couldn't... My brain couldn't figure it out. And it was a seagull floating in190
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:07,040
the water. Big as a picnic table. It was fucking huge. Oh, not that big. Big as a small picnic191
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:12,080
table. You know, maybe, I don't know, like four feet tall and, I don't know, six feet long,192
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:18,960
something like that. I thought, oh, son of a bitch. What the hell did Mitch and how I slipped into?193
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:31,120
And then the brain began to recalculate itself and he got smaller and smaller. And within about194
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:38,480
five or seven or eight seconds, he was seagull sized. You know, it's because I'd been staring,195
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:43,200
looking for something and I'd not seeing anything. And then when I did see something,196
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:50,560
the brain just attacked it and made it huge. Okay. So these men, both men were astonished to see that197
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:57,600
the bundle seemed to become larger every time it was shot. Okay. Well, so far I'm thinking they had198
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:05,600
a kind of a mass hysteria going on there. They saw this thing. They decided it was an anomaly of199
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:11,760
some type and the horses didn't like it. And so therefore they were backed up in a way that200
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:20,400
they were backed up, you know. And this was some kind of bad anomalous thing that they had201
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:26,960
encountered. And then they shot at it because they're freaking out and then it gets bigger.202
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:35,120
And I mean, so far I'm seeing some kind of minor psychosis going on here. But, you know, we got203
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:43,040
a few sentences left. Maybe they will prove me wrong. When it... Okay. Oh hell. Well, I don't know.204
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:52,240
Then you... I don't know. They claim when it was almost as large as the horse, the men panicked205
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:59,360
and fled the area on foot, leaving the horses behind. Oh, come on. No, we're looking for206
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:07,280
bullshit here. And I think we just found it. The next day both horses were found wandering207
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:15,760
the fields apparently unharmed. Okay. Okay. Okay. The only way this could happen is if these guys208
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:23,840
saw this thing and they got off their horses and then shot at it. And then when they became...209
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:29,840
When their sensibilities became so assaulted that they panicked, maybe they wouldn't think of210
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:35,360
remounting the horses. They would just run. Just run. Just blind panic. Just run. That's the only211
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,720
thing I can think of. If they were on the horse, you're not going to get off the horse and run.212
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:44,320
That's bullshit. You know, a horse can run 30 miles an hour. You can run, you know, whatever for,213
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:57,040
you know, if you're fat like me. Okay. So the only weird thing... Well, the only thing I can even214
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:03,760
glom onto is the notion that the bundle thing got as big as the horse. And I...215
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:11,360
I mean, they say that. They claim that. That's their claim.216
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:18,160
Sometimes you just got to say bullshit. No, you did not see that. Sometimes you just got to say that.217
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:33,280
And that's what I'm going to say. So what the hell? I ain't seeing no aliens here. So here,218
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,040
you know what this key is? You've heard this before. It means bye-bye.219
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:50,160
It means bye-bye. Okay. Here's Sabico. Cabeco. Portugal. April 1915. I like them in this time220
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:57,920
zone because... I don't know. Did they have talkies in 1915? I'm not sure. I don't think they had221
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:06,400
alien talkies. They had comic books and they had some novels with some pictures on the front. So222
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:15,200
people could pick this stuff up from that. Anyway, April 1915 time afternoon. Four young girls. Okay,223
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:19,520
there's trouble right there. That's all you need to know. That's it. That's trouble. That's trouble224
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:26,560
enough. You know, we can just discount it right now. Just delete it. Four young girls. That's it.225
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:37,040
That's the operative phrase. Were walking along a hill when they saw suspended in the air226
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:44,560
over some nearby trees a figure resembling a statue made out of snow. Well, that's quite227
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:55,920
inventive, isn't it? Okay, come on now. From the top. Four young troubled girls. No, it didn't say228
00:26:55,920 --> 00:27:01,200
trolled. But you know they were if they're young girls that are trolled. Four young girls were229
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:09,040
walking along a hill when they saw suspended in the air over some nearby trees a figure resembling230
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:17,200
a statue made out of snow. What? Like a snowman only? Not fat, I guess. I don't know. The rays of231
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:24,080
the sun seemed to shine right through it giving it a transparent appearance. It resembled a person232
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:31,920
wearing a white sheet. No eyes or hands could be seen. I'm thinking kite. Holy hell. Okay, there's233
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:41,680
that familiar click. Here's something. Oh, God, what are they? Sulitjoma. Sulitjoma. I know that's wrong.234
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:48,400
Norway. Kill me later. Summer 1915. Time is unknown. The witness saw a dark bill-shaped craft descend235
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:54,640
and land. Okay, okay. Now we're on board because a dark bell-shaped craft is pretty commonly236
00:27:54,640 --> 00:28:00,160
reported. You know, they claim they see a lot of those. They, they claim. Not me. I never saw them.237
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:10,320
Okay, they claim they saw a dark bell-shaped craft descend and land apparently behind a nearby hill.238
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:17,840
Two short humanoids emerged from behind the hill and walked towards the witness. Only one,239
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:25,840
I guess. One witness. Yeah. One stopped and smiled at the witness. See, I told you in previous tapes240
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:33,200
they do that. They freaking do that because they're told to. Okay, they don't do it because they're241
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:39,360
nice. When they stop on one of the outer planets, they got to get their visitor visa to Earth. Okay.242
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:47,280
And, you know, they pay them, pay the money, whatever the hell. And they get the visa stamped243
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:57,920
to come and explore and probe, you know. And then they get the color glossy brochure. And the244
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:03,280
brochure says, you know, here are the do's and don'ts of Earth. You know, when you see them,245
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:06,960
when you see the fucking earthlings, you got two choices. You can smile or you can run.246
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:14,320
If you shoot them, you got to pay a fine. So don't do that. Smile or run. You can decide what's going247
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:24,960
to work best, you know. So these ones decided to try the smile. The humanoids had long wavy dark hair,248
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:30,400
gray skin, and the heads were big in comparison to their body. Well, how many times we heard that one?249
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:36,160
Well, this is 1915, though. So I'd be curious. I've never done this. I'd be curious to go back250
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:41,120
and look at comic books from pre-1915 and see if that's how they were depicted.251
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:52,640
I'm kind of thinking maybe they were. Not sure. Okay. Big heads. Both wore dark brown252
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:59,040
overalls. The humanoids then walked behind the hill and shortly thereafter the bell-shaped craft253
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:06,960
rose and disappeared. Well, that's real. You know, damn well the aliens got over the other side of254
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:10,720
the hill and they're just high-fiving. They said, fuck man, we did it. We fucking did it. We made255
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:22,400
contact. We smiled and they peed. That's their welcoming salutation thing. They pee. That's what256
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:31,120
they do. We've seen a lot of them do that. That means you be welcome, spaceman. Pssssh, you know?257
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:43,120
Oh, shit. All right. Credibility or not? Come on, come on. I'm not really258
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,720
It's not really, I'm not really engaged with this, but259
00:30:49,220 --> 00:30:51,340
I can't see any reason to disqualify it.260
00:30:51,340 --> 00:30:55,280
So let's give it, shit, it could be perfectly true.261
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,440
You know, let's give it a quarter of a grain of sand.262
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,240
Okay, into the bucket there.263
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:00,720
That's a good one.264
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:03,320
Okay, we'll do one more in the 1916 era.265
00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:05,480
And then I want to time warp ahead.266
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:08,260
Aldeburg, England.267
00:31:08,260 --> 00:31:11,240
Ah, shit, I hate these.268
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:13,040
Jesus Christ.269
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,640
It means we're going to be translating from British270
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:17,640
to English.271
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,720
Fortunately, I mean, we know that the English,272
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,440
we know that the British language came from the old273
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,640
African Swahili, that was its base language.274
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,280
And then those people, you know, came up and settled275
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,680
what we now know as England.276
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,940
But they never got the language straightened out.277
00:31:39,940 --> 00:31:43,520
I mean, you know, we had English in the US for278
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:49,160
thousands of years, thousands and thousands of years.279
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,080
It's a timeless language, okay?280
00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:54,700
And then the British came up from Swahili land281
00:31:54,700 --> 00:31:56,400
and they tried to copy it and they just never282
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,280
fucking figured it out.283
00:31:58,280 --> 00:31:59,420
So it's really hard to translate.284
00:31:59,420 --> 00:32:04,040
So when I do these, I read and I do it seamlessly for you.285
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:05,920
You know, sometimes I stumble and I say,286
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:08,280
what the fuck word is that?287
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:09,960
Because I don't even know that one.288
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:14,960
But usually, you know, I can just, you know,289
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:17,160
the right eye sees it coming up ahead in the sentence290
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,640
and I translate for you and I just keep on reading.291
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,200
Okay, so it's 1916 time 11 55 a.m.292
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,080
I like it when they're precise.293
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:30,080
Looking out a second story window, Mrs. Whitehead saw,294
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:34,960
she claims a little above the house, about 20 feet up,295
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:39,680
a round platform with eight to 12 men296
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:41,680
who were staring straight ahead297
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:46,920
and tightly gripping a brass handrail.298
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:50,000
Now doesn't this sound outrageous?299
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:53,120
It sounds too stupid to make up.300
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:58,000
The weird thing is, if this was the first alien report301
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:02,360
I ever read in my life, I would just chuckle and delete.302
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:07,360
But I have read way too many reports303
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:12,480
where they claim that pretty much the same thing was seen,304
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,800
sometimes by as many, excuse me,305
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:18,880
as 30 or 40 people at the same time,306
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:25,320
for hours at a time over succeeding days.307
00:33:26,580 --> 00:33:27,880
Pretty much the same scene.308
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,720
So are they all lying?309
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:33,840
All of them, all around the world,310
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:36,880
every continent going back, what are 100 years?311
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:38,840
More, more than 100 years.312
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,200
They're all, they all got the same story313
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,040
but they're lying, right?314
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:46,560
Every single witness is lying, every single one.315
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:50,080
Sure, they must be, right?316
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:52,760
Yeah.317
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,880
That's how you solve this problem.318
00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:59,880
Then you go back to the bar, you know, whatever.319
00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:00,720
I don't know.320
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:05,400
Okay.321
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:09,720
They wore blue uniforms and little hats like sailors.322
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:12,760
Okay, maybe they had sailor hats,323
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:13,600
maybe they didn't.324
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,040
The subconscious, when it sees something,325
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:17,080
it can't really identify it.326
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:22,080
It chooses the next most identifiable thing.327
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,760
So, you know, whatever.328
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,560
It gets really creative in doing this.329
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:34,080
You know, it sees a tuba cobra, okay,330
00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:37,360
and it can't figure out what the fucking fuck that thing is331
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:38,640
and it's scrambling, scrambling,332
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,440
identify, identify, god damn it, identify.333
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:45,120
Oh, it's a, let's see, it's a rabbit.334
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:46,840
Yeah, that's it, it's a rabbit.335
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:49,040
You know, they go like that.336
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:53,680
Okay, the object approached slowly from nearby marshes,337
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:57,720
made a turn and disappeared behind nearby houses.338
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:00,120
The platform was about a foot thick.339
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:01,800
Okay, sometimes they are about a foot thick,340
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,640
just a platform, I mean, just a deck.341
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:09,800
And sometimes they are quite large ship things.342
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:11,640
Oops.343
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,200
Now see, if I were a professional,344
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:18,000
I would have to edit that out in post,345
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,760
but I don't give a rat's ass.346
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,720
Okay, little hats like sailors.347
00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:28,760
God, what I wouldn't give for GoPro footage,348
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:30,160
you know, come on, please.349
00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:34,440
The object approached slowly from nearby marshes,350
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:36,920
made a turn and disappeared behind nearby houses.351
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:39,520
The platform was about a foot thick.352
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:42,560
The center was hollow like a donut.353
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:47,560
Whoa, well, that's quite cool.354
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:52,080
So it's a flattened out donut with a railing.355
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,520
All the little turkazoids are sitting up there,356
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:55,800
they said eight to 12.357
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:58,960
Steering straight ahead.358
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:05,680
Tightly gripping the brass like handrail, why?359
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:07,720
How would they know they're tightly gripping?360
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:12,160
Could they see the muscles in their little alien arms?361
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:13,280
You know, like that.362
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,880
No means of propulsion was evident.363
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:20,480
Duration less than five minutes.364
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,760
Well, five minutes is a long goddamn time.365
00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,120
A really long time.366
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,280
Okay, well, credit builder or not.367
00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:35,360
I can't dismiss it.368
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:37,280
I can't at all because there are too many reports369
00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:42,280
so similar to it.370
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:47,840
I don't know, I kind of sort of like it.371
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:51,360
There was one case, I don't know if we covered it yet,372
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:55,000
where it was just about like this,373
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:55,960
looked just about like this.374
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:59,120
It was night or nightish something.375
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,000
And it looked about like this, as far as I can remember,376
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,360
and the creepozoids were singing,377
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,760
they were all singing a song.378
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,160
I think they might've been sitting with their legs379
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:13,240
hanging over the edge of the platform,380
00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:15,600
saucerish looking thing.381
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,000
I think they were sitting,382
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,480
just seeing their little lungs out as they flew slowly by.383
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,560
And I was thinking, man, if that's real,384
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:28,240
what a moment that must have been for those little buggers.385
00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:31,720
Here we are on earth, we're floating around over earth.386
00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:33,360
We fucking made it to earth.387
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:38,360
The dragons didn't get us, those other pesky Romulans,388
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:40,440
they didn't fucking get us.389
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,400
And here we are on earth,390
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:42,960
and maybe we're gonna die any minute,391
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,120
but we're on earth right now.392
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:48,480
And it's a lovely warm summer evening393
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:51,360
and we're flying over the fields of earth394
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:56,360
and we're just belting out this song from back home.395
00:37:58,280 --> 00:37:59,840
That's how I remember that one.396
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:03,640
Okay, what do we give these guys?397
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:10,800
I don't feel as though it was made up.398
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:12,880
I mean, maybe it was a hallucination.399
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:14,240
I can't speak to that,400
00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:16,560
but I don't feel as though it was made up.401
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,120
I'm gonna give it five grains of sand.402
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:19,320
There you go.403
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:20,440
Five grains, okay.404
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:22,160
Now let us zoom forward405
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:25,920
because I'm kind of tired of that arrow.406
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,080
Oh, God dang it.407
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:30,840
And where did the marble drop?408
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:35,840
Oh shit, dropped on a Russian claim where it's west.409
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:43,160
Oh, Yaroslavl province, Russia, winter 1939 times evening.410
00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:45,280
Well, that's interesting.411
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,760
We've covered some other ones from right there.412
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:49,160
I don't remember what happened to them413
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,200
because I don't like Russian ones.414
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:52,040
I don't like them.415
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:53,520
I explained why a whole bunch of times416
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:55,000
I'm not gonna do it again.417
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,720
I don't like Russian ones.418
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:01,680
Reports where they claim.419
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:03,240
It's a goddamn Russians come to me420
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:08,240
and they claim that cats are real.421
00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:13,480
I'm gonna tell them to fuck off and eat shit422
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,360
because I don't fucking believe you.423
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:21,280
A local grandmother named Maria Barabashova.424
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:25,440
Barabashova, yeah, I did it.425
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:29,080
Barabashova, Barabashova, whatever.426
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:33,960
Was eating in her wooded house427
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:37,360
located in an isolated area on the banks of the lake.428
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:38,200
What lake?429
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:39,560
What fucking lake?430
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:42,280
When suddenly a stranger entered her house.431
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:44,720
Okay, home invasion.432
00:39:44,720 --> 00:39:45,560
Blasting.433
00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:48,560
He was a small height with a dark face,434
00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:52,880
gray clothing and pants that stretched down to the floor.435
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:55,840
Hmm, maybe he's trying to cover his feet.436
00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,440
He's got hobbit feet, something like that.437
00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:01,040
Frightened, the old woman started crossing herself.438
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:02,240
Yeah, that'll do it.439
00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:04,680
Oh God, that's way better than a bulletproof vest.440
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:10,640
Frightened, the old woman started crossing herself.441
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:13,120
Was amazed, I think they mean and was amazed.442
00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:18,120
To see that the stranger also crossed himself443
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:23,120
while facing the icon hanging on the wall.444
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,160
Well, that's pretty cool.445
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:29,360
Somebody asked just recently if aliens were religious446
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:31,800
or if they knew of God or anything like that.447
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:34,960
And when I gave my answer, I didn't remember this one.448
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:38,280
This is interesting.449
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:41,600
Hmm, okay, frightened, the old woman450
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:44,200
started crossing herself and was amazed to see451
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:46,200
that the stranger also crossed himself452
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,320
while facing the icon hanging on the wall.453
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:49,720
Well, maybe he ain't no alien.454
00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:53,880
So he then greeted her and asked permission455
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:55,560
to stay and rest.456
00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:58,680
Huh, okay.457
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:04,120
Maria welcomed him and offered him food and tea.458
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:07,600
Her guest was very strange and unusual.459
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:11,520
He refused to eat any food and only drank tea,460
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:16,520
pouring some strange powder into it before drinking it.461
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,800
Huh, huh, huh.462
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,120
When he ate, he hid his legs under the chair,463
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:24,000
apparently in order to conceal.464
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,520
Oh, here you go, what did I just say a minute ago?465
00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:28,880
Oh God, I'm so freaking smart.466
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:32,880
When he ate, he hid his legs under the chair,467
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:35,280
apparently in order to conceal the fact468
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:37,640
that his feet were hoofed.469
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,280
Hooved, I think she meant.470
00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:40,800
Hooved, hooved.471
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,920
Cloven, hoo, well, it didn't have to be cloven,472
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:47,320
but that's interesting because there are quite a few reports473
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,440
where somebody sees some alien,474
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,280
something's creeping around doing some475
00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:53,320
nefarious goddamn thing.476
00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:55,920
And then, you know, maybe they run away or whatever.477
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:58,520
Maybe when the probing is done, you know,478
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:00,440
somebody comes and they look around outside479
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:03,480
and they find hoofed footprints.480
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:07,960
Hooved, the whole hoofed feet thing481
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:10,720
is not all that unusual.482
00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:12,760
And that bothers me a really very great deal.483
00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:16,840
You know, are they descended from fucking cows or something?484
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:19,000
Goats or the devil?485
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,600
Could be the devil.486
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:22,440
Oh God, oh God.487
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:26,320
If I read this to my minister friend over by Ukraine,488
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:30,960
oh shit, that'd be the last thing I ever got to read to him489
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,480
because he'd know right then and there,490
00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:35,600
he'd know that they were all from the devil.491
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,640
I mean, cows and sheep and fucking goats492
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:41,480
and anything's got hoofed from the fucking devil, okay?493
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:46,560
Jeez, during conversation, he mentioned his name,494
00:42:46,560 --> 00:42:49,560
which was very unusual and very long.495
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:53,040
And the witness could only remember,496
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:57,760
it had, I see I'm translating for you,497
00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:04,000
could only remember it had an Indian word like Rama in it.498
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:07,600
Okay, well, it's probably just a fluke, you know,499
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:11,800
some weird ass Zeta Reticuli language,500
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,680
and just, you know, some part of it sounded like a Rama,501
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:16,840
that's what I'm thinking.502
00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:21,840
Suddenly the stranger took out a strange cigar case device503
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:28,120
from his pocket that possessed sharp corners.504
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:34,240
He pushed a button on it and pulled a wire from it.505
00:43:34,240 --> 00:43:38,720
Pulled a wire, pushed a button, pulled a wire,506
00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:41,080
it sounded like a fucking grenade.507
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:41,920
God damn it.508
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:47,120
The lady asked, what is that and what is it for?509
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:56,240
Okay, well, you know, if I had an imagination,510
00:43:56,240 --> 00:43:58,640
I would take this and run, you know,511
00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:04,640
in my imagination, the alien would say, you know, it vibrates.512
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,840
And, you know, we can have a lot of fun.513
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:13,120
Let's just lay back here on the sofa, you know,514
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:18,120
talk for a minute, see what, you know, comes up.515
00:44:20,680 --> 00:44:22,760
That's what I'd do if I was discussing with Howard Stern,516
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:24,000
I would go off on a tangent like that,517
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,200
but I ain't fucking gonna do it.518
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:29,280
God, of course, you know.519
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:32,800
The stranger smiled and said, okay, she asked, what is it520
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:34,360
and what is it for?521
00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:35,720
The stranger smiled and said,522
00:44:35,720 --> 00:44:39,120
I must not be late to my craft.523
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:41,920
It had some technical problem.524
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,840
He added that he was not worrying525
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:51,120
since it was being repaired as they spoke526
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:55,000
and he was confident that he would fly out in time.527
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:57,720
Time for what?528
00:44:57,720 --> 00:45:01,280
Maria thought that the stranger was speaking nonsense.529
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,720
Soon after that, Maria felt very sleepy530
00:45:08,720 --> 00:45:13,200
and excused herself going immediately to something,531
00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:14,400
somewhere, because that's garbled,532
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:15,360
and I don't know what that means,533
00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:16,800
probably to bed or something.534
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:21,800
Well, I don't know, that's kind of interesting.535
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:30,320
I don't, usually the made up ones out of Russia,536
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:32,920
a lot of them come from the jackass,537
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,320
fucking jackass piece of fucking horse shit.538
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:40,560
Fucking war larva, cocksucker, Anton Antolov.539
00:45:41,760 --> 00:45:46,000
God, we speak of him occasionally.540
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:50,040
He used to provide alien reports out of Russia541
00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:53,160
and I think he charged for them.542
00:45:53,160 --> 00:45:54,840
I hope nobody ever paid more than a nickel543
00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:57,080
for a single goddamn one of them, but anyway.544
00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:00,920
Usually the ones out of Russia are pretty,545
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,600
buoyant, dramatic.546
00:46:05,720 --> 00:46:08,920
Sometimes they're just insanely so.547
00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:14,240
And if you want to hear me really get wound up,548
00:46:14,240 --> 00:46:16,080
just listen to me read one that we know549
00:46:16,080 --> 00:46:19,160
is bogus made up shit, because I hate it.550
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:21,640
They make me angry, really, really, they do.551
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:22,680
Because I don't like being punked,552
00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:24,440
I don't like my time being wasted.553
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:29,920
And I don't like people who mess up the research movement554
00:46:29,920 --> 00:46:33,680
by salting it with known bullshit.555
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:37,320
It just does none of us any good whatsoever.556
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:41,160
Maybe Anton made a nickel on some of the ones he sells,557
00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:43,400
but it just hurts everything else.558
00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:45,560
So it pisses me off, pisses me off.559
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:48,600
He has pissed me off too many times.560
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:52,920
But this one is kind of down to earth,561
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:54,720
pretty down to earth for a Russian one.562
00:46:54,720 --> 00:46:59,040
So there had to be some ones coming out of Russia563
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:00,480
that were true, there had to be.564
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:01,840
A billion of them came out of there.565
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:03,720
There had to be just by happenstance,566
00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:05,760
there had to be a handful that were true.567
00:47:07,080 --> 00:47:09,480
Or at least not wantonly made up.568
00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:10,320
You know.569
00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:15,200
Okay, credibility or not, I can't dismiss this one.570
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:18,040
God, there are a number of them.571
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:22,040
There's a number of them where aliens come down,572
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:27,920
they land in the front yard of a farmhouse,573
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:31,880
some shit like that, and somehow the conversation ensues.574
00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:35,280
And they end up coming in, and they talk,575
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:39,480
and eat crumpets, and have tea, and shit like that.576
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,640
And if there's any probing, we don't know it,577
00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:44,920
because they knock them out before they probe them.578
00:47:48,040 --> 00:47:50,800
So anyway, this one is kind of in line579
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:52,560
with quite a few others.580
00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:56,480
Okay, credibility, I'm gonna give him,581
00:47:58,480 --> 00:48:00,840
shit, I'm gonna give him 50 grains of sand.582
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:04,120
50 grains, that's no skin off our teeth, okay?583
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:05,760
We can afford 50 grains of sand.584
00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:07,320
If it turns out tomorrow this is a hoax,585
00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:10,880
then big deal, 50 grains down the tube, who cares?586
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:14,040
I can afford 50 grains of credibility.587
00:48:14,040 --> 00:48:16,240
Because I have so much more, you know?588
00:48:16,240 --> 00:48:20,120
I'm just, you know, buried in credibility.589
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:21,800
Okay.590
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:24,880
Let's see what we got here.591
00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:29,600
Oh, let us do this one.592
00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:32,480
Shit, this comes from the land of my people.593
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:34,160
I mean, not jokingly, this is really594
00:48:34,160 --> 00:48:36,360
from the land of my people.595
00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:38,960
Really, my entire goddamn family of both sides596
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:42,960
came from pretty close to this region.597
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:44,200
Son of a bitch.598
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:48,720
Okay, let's see what these pesky bastards have to say.599
00:48:48,720 --> 00:48:50,920
Island of Muk.600
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:51,760
Muk.601
00:48:53,240 --> 00:48:56,480
M-U-C-K is not the island.602
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:57,360
Not that other word.603
00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:00,200
Island of M-U-C-K.604
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:02,520
Island, region, Scotland.605
00:49:03,720 --> 00:49:05,400
1947, time is unknown.606
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:09,520
80 year old Alexander Gunn, an angler,607
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:12,320
oh shit, saw a mermaid-like creature608
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:14,320
right off the coast of the island.609
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:18,840
The being was a female humanoid in appearance610
00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:21,960
and sat on a floating wooded box611
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:28,720
and appeared to be combing her long blonde hair.612
00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:31,680
She plunged into the sea when she noticed613
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:33,360
the witness looking at her.614
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:34,640
No other information.615
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:38,160
Well, that's kind of barely interesting.616
00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:39,960
I don't do mermaids, I don't do big foots,617
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:44,080
I don't do dancing turds, you know.618
00:49:44,080 --> 00:49:45,400
Mr. Hankey isn't real, okay?619
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:46,920
I'm sorry I didn't break that to everybody.620
00:49:46,920 --> 00:49:48,720
He's not fucking real.621
00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:50,080
He was based on a real character,622
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:51,920
but you know, by a different name.623
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:55,760
The mermaid thing.624
00:49:55,760 --> 00:50:00,760
There are not nearly as many mermaid reports625
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:05,080
as there are big foot reports, but there are quite a few.626
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:08,480
And they're pretty easy to dismiss.627
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:10,320
That only, except for one thing,628
00:50:10,320 --> 00:50:14,600
the only problem is that there have been a few cases,629
00:50:14,600 --> 00:50:17,800
just a very small handful, very small handful,630
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:20,480
like a baby hand that's missing three fingers,631
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:21,560
you know, that small.632
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:26,560
A small amount of cases that seem to be633
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:30,280
just incredibly credible.634
00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:35,520
And I don't know what to make of those.635
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:38,720
I purposely, intentionally do not go research636
00:50:38,720 --> 00:50:40,960
mermaid things, I get too many other things to,637
00:50:42,240 --> 00:50:44,920
I've never heard of a mermaid going in and out638
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:47,040
of a flying saucer, you know, maybe it happened.639
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:49,880
I never heard of it, so it's just, you know,640
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:52,040
out of the boundary of what I'm looking for.641
00:50:53,240 --> 00:50:58,240
But why don't people see them anymore?642
00:50:58,240 --> 00:50:59,480
Well, maybe they're smart, you know,643
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:00,880
they know we have cameras and they don't want644
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:01,720
to get their picture taken.645
00:51:01,720 --> 00:51:02,720
I don't fucking know.646
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:08,200
I don't know, it could be just,647
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:10,960
I can't give any credibility to them.648
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:13,640
The only thing that's weird here is that649
00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:17,320
they have a reliability of source rating down here,650
00:51:17,320 --> 00:51:20,960
and on a one to 10, they rate this source as a nine.651
00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:22,320
You know, that's angel level.652
00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:24,040
God is a 10, angels are a nine.653
00:51:27,520 --> 00:51:28,680
And then I don't know what's under that,654
00:51:28,680 --> 00:51:32,560
but maybe Moses or something, I don't know.655
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:36,720
But they're claiming this person, who is this source?656
00:51:37,680 --> 00:51:39,880
Source, Janet and Colin Bord.657
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:44,920
Well, you know, say their reliability is a nine,658
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:49,920
well, maybe they were really, really reliable659
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:56,040
in writing down this old guy's story, you know, that's all.660
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:58,520
Maybe they just reliably wrote down the story,661
00:51:58,520 --> 00:52:00,480
and the story is bullshit, you know,662
00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:02,720
then they still have a reliability of nine663
00:52:02,720 --> 00:52:05,680
because they reliably wrote down the story.664
00:52:07,480 --> 00:52:11,480
I don't know, I don't care if there's 100 of them665
00:52:11,480 --> 00:52:13,920
and 5,000 people saw them, they ain't aliens.666
00:52:13,920 --> 00:52:16,680
Okay, then we don't care.667
00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:17,960
Once we solve the alien thing,668
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:20,960
then we'll go back and look at these other creepozoids.669
00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:25,960
Okay, Valley de Santiago, Mexico, 1947 time morning.670
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:30,040
A young farmer was out plowing his field671
00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:31,320
when he suddenly confronted672
00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:34,800
a very tall, gaunt looking individual.673
00:52:36,640 --> 00:52:37,960
Huh, must be in Tennessee.674
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:42,960
That resembled an albino with distorted features.675
00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:47,880
The stranger told the farmer that he had been held captive676
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:52,880
by humanoids in the interior of a nearby inactive volcano.677
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:56,400
Well, that's kind of fascinating, isn't it?678
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:57,520
That's different.679
00:52:59,720 --> 00:53:03,840
Huh, okay, so this guy, the farmer finds this guy.680
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:05,560
He's very tall and gaunt looking.681
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:10,560
He resembled an albino with distorted features.682
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:12,400
What the fucking hell?683
00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:14,960
The stranger told the farmer he'd been held captive684
00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:18,440
by humanoids and probed mercilessly.685
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:21,920
For how long?686
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:25,200
11 years, oh my God.687
00:53:25,200 --> 00:53:27,880
No, no, no, he didn't say probed.688
00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:29,720
I just was hoping, I was wishing he would have689
00:53:29,720 --> 00:53:32,320
because that would have made the story a hell of a lot better.690
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:37,320
The stranger then sketched a formula on a piece of paper691
00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:42,520
which he claimed was the secret to growing huge vegetables.692
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:44,600
He then walked away and disappeared.693
00:53:44,600 --> 00:53:45,520
Now how much you wanna bet?694
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:46,400
I haven't read the last line.695
00:53:46,400 --> 00:53:49,440
How much you wanna bet that the farmer696
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:51,040
lost the goddamn formula?697
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:52,600
Because they always fucking do.698
00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:54,840
No, wait, okay.699
00:53:54,840 --> 00:53:57,240
The farmer indeed has been able to grow700
00:53:57,240 --> 00:53:59,080
giant vegetables ever since.701
00:53:59,080 --> 00:53:59,920
What the fuck?702
00:53:59,920 --> 00:54:03,240
Shit, screwed up my story.703
00:54:07,720 --> 00:54:08,560
Here's a comment.704
00:54:08,560 --> 00:54:10,720
As far as I know, the witness was still growing705
00:54:10,720 --> 00:54:14,280
those huge vegetables as late as the 70s.706
00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:17,080
Well, let's go look at the DNA.707
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:18,520
That's pretty simple, right?708
00:54:20,120 --> 00:54:23,800
Should have, probably nobody thought to collect it.709
00:54:23,800 --> 00:54:27,720
As far as the humanites mentioned by the tall individual.710
00:54:27,720 --> 00:54:28,800
Okay, whatever.711
00:54:31,880 --> 00:54:33,280
Well, okay.712
00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:36,680
Can't do anything with this.713
00:54:36,680 --> 00:54:41,680
I mean, you walk around any liberal city714
00:54:41,720 --> 00:54:43,240
and these same people are gonna approach you715
00:54:43,240 --> 00:54:45,040
and tell you the same kind of goddamn shit.716
00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:48,120
You know, because they're on whatever.717
00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:50,560
Been on it since birth.718
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:55,480
The only thing that would give this any credibility719
00:54:55,480 --> 00:55:00,480
would be some kind of genetic anomaly of the vegetables.720
00:55:04,440 --> 00:55:07,640
God, is there any possible chance?721
00:55:07,640 --> 00:55:09,640
Let's say you went to this town722
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:16,680
and you had a little crew and you had some money723
00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:21,680
and you found out where the guy lived, who his family was.724
00:55:23,280 --> 00:55:24,120
Well, here's what I'm thinking.725
00:55:24,120 --> 00:55:29,120
I'm thinking maybe, maybe, fair chance726
00:55:29,320 --> 00:55:32,800
that while he was growing this big old shit,727
00:55:32,800 --> 00:55:35,360
somebody, the kids or the grandkids or the neighbor kids728
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:37,800
or somebody, the girls down the street,729
00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:42,560
somebody might have taken some parts of these things730
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:45,320
and dried them, made, you know,731
00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:50,320
maybe they got a bunch of really humongous pumpkin seeds,732
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:52,440
you know, the size of half dollars, something like that.733
00:55:52,440 --> 00:55:54,280
And they thought, oh man, these are cool.734
00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:56,960
And they shellacked them and they made them into a necklace735
00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:59,520
or some stupid thing like that.736
00:55:59,520 --> 00:56:02,160
And it's in somebody's drawer, you know,737
00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:06,520
it's in great, great, great, great grandmother's drawer.738
00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:11,200
Well, not that many greats, it's only 1947 for Christ's sake.739
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:16,320
What if there is something like that740
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:17,960
still hanging around there?741
00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:21,040
What else would somebody do something with742
00:56:21,040 --> 00:56:23,360
from a giant vegetable, you know?743
00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:27,040
I don't know, it depends on what all he grew, I guess.744
00:56:27,040 --> 00:56:31,800
But that's the only way this thing gets even one molecule.745
00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:32,960
Well, I don't know, okay.746
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:35,600
Yeah, okay, I'll give it a molecule.747
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:40,600
I'll give it a one molecule of one grain of silica sand.748
00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:44,440
One molecule, oh hell, let's go for it.749
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:45,920
Let's give it 50 molecules.750
00:56:45,920 --> 00:56:48,120
Shit, okay.751
00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:52,520
Fort Worth, Texas, 1947, daytime.752
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:56,160
A young woman driving on the outskirts of Fort Worth753
00:56:56,160 --> 00:57:01,160
saw a discoidal craft 25 feet in diameter passing overhead.754
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:04,080
Jumping out of the car, she waved.755
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:06,080
Oh, son of a bitch, how many fucking times756
00:57:06,080 --> 00:57:07,720
I told you not to do that?757
00:57:07,720 --> 00:57:09,720
You don't wave at Freddy Krueger758
00:57:09,720 --> 00:57:11,200
because he didn't come over759
00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:13,120
and do fucking terrible shit to you.760
00:57:13,120 --> 00:57:16,960
Didn't he come over and do fucking terrible shit to you?761
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:19,440
God, stop the waving crap.762
00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:21,800
Okay, when I was young, I probably would have.763
00:57:21,800 --> 00:57:22,720
Well, no, I wouldn't have764
00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:24,240
because a couple of times I thought I saw one765
00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:25,440
and I was terrified, so.766
00:57:26,840 --> 00:57:29,080
Shit, okay, jumping out of the car, she waved.767
00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:34,080
The object tipped and its occupants waved to her.768
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:37,280
The UFO then flew away in silence, okay.769
00:57:37,280 --> 00:57:42,280
Okay, initial reaction of just about anybody on the globe770
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:47,480
is to delete, delete, delete, it's bullshit, delete.771
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:50,360
But there have been enough reports772
00:57:50,360 --> 00:57:54,120
where this same thing happened.773
00:57:54,120 --> 00:57:59,120
Somebody waved and they, of wonders, waved back.774
00:58:01,360 --> 00:58:04,200
Or they all land, every one of them,775
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:06,920
all the different continents, all over.776
00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:09,840
You know, however many hundred years are they all lying?777
00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:13,480
You know, how many percent of these778
00:58:13,480 --> 00:58:17,640
do we need to be true before we believe?779
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:18,560
How many percent?780
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:22,040
5%, 10, 20?781
00:58:23,560 --> 00:58:28,560
51%, 99%, 1%, no to all of the above.782
00:58:28,560 --> 00:58:36,560
We only need one, not percent, one case.783
00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:39,680
That's all, that's all we need, that's all we're asking.784
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:45,800
Have we already covered some like that?785
00:58:45,800 --> 00:58:48,240
I ain't saying that's for you to decide.786
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:50,600
Will we cover more like that in the future?787
00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:53,200
I ain't saying that's for you to decide,788
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:54,800
not for me to decide.789
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:59,440
I cannot decide for you if God exists or the great pumpkin790
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:02,240
or Bigfoot's or Mermaid's or anything else.791
00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:06,680
I can just throw shit out there with my peculiar,792
00:59:06,680 --> 00:59:11,680
demented slant on them that hopefully allows you793
00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:15,760
to see them in ways you wouldn't have thought of before.794
00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:19,480
That's all I can do, that's all I can provide.795
00:59:19,480 --> 00:59:24,480
And that's what I do to the best of my ability.796
00:59:27,040 --> 00:59:32,040
Okay, I give it five ranges in, five range, yeah, yeah, yeah.797
00:59:32,080 --> 00:59:36,320
Okay, we're just about into the one hour.798
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:40,000
We'll go one more and it's kind of long here,799
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:41,200
so we're gonna go over.800
00:59:42,720 --> 00:59:45,280
Near Griffith Air Force Base, New York,801
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:48,120
1947 time 1300, one o'clock in the afternoon.802
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:51,440
The main witness, Jackie, her brother and cousins,803
00:59:51,440 --> 00:59:54,960
had gone to a local store to get some gum.804
00:59:54,960 --> 00:59:57,280
You know, in Singapore, gum is outlawed.805
00:59:57,280 --> 00:59:58,120
It's illegal.806
00:59:59,960 --> 01:00:04,160
Very tidy society, okay, very boring too.807
01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:08,360
Really, really, really, really, really safe,808
01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,560
but really, really freaking boring.809
01:00:11,760 --> 01:00:13,480
I can't stay there more than a month,810
01:00:13,480 --> 01:00:18,480
and I just like screaming, get me out of here.811
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:22,640
I was down there one time and there was an ice cream stand812
01:00:22,640 --> 01:00:25,240
on the sidewalk and I bought my ice cream813
01:00:25,240 --> 01:00:27,720
and I didn't wanna be in the flow of pedestrians,814
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:31,240
so I moved over to the side of the little structure thing,815
01:00:31,240 --> 01:00:32,760
unwrapped my ice cream, you know,816
01:00:32,760 --> 01:00:35,320
nobody was walking where I was walking817
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:38,760
because the ice cream thing was blocking that pathway,818
01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:41,800
you know, and so I'm like, I don't know,819
01:00:41,800 --> 01:00:44,080
a foot probably from the curb where the traffic is,820
01:00:44,080 --> 01:00:46,400
and I just stand there and eating the thing,821
01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:51,400
and some lady cop came sauntering by822
01:00:51,840 --> 01:00:54,960
with some kind of stick goddamn thing in her hand,823
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:59,960
and she looks at me like some kind of824
01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:04,520
Eastern block nasty old woman,825
01:01:04,520 --> 01:01:06,320
and I know what she looked like.826
01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:09,680
She looked like, I remember in one of the Hobbits,827
01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:10,640
the Lord of the Rings or whatever,828
01:01:10,640 --> 01:01:14,320
and they had gone off and they had beaten the evil people829
01:01:14,320 --> 01:01:16,040
and the world was happy and all the Hobbits830
01:01:16,040 --> 01:01:18,200
were going home to the Shire,831
01:01:18,200 --> 01:01:20,200
and you know, they had just conquered the world,832
01:01:20,200 --> 01:01:21,640
I mean, they were cool shit, you know,833
01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:23,760
they had conquered the fucking world,834
01:01:23,760 --> 01:01:27,680
and anyway, so they're, I think they were on a wagon835
01:01:27,680 --> 01:01:29,440
or on horseback or something, I can't remember,836
01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:30,880
and they're clipped to clopped, you know,837
01:01:30,880 --> 01:01:33,200
into the village, had been gone for, you know,838
01:01:33,200 --> 01:01:36,440
29 years, whatever, and on the outskirts of the village839
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:40,920
was an old woman comes out of her little Hobbit thing840
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:43,400
to shake out a rug or something, I can't remember what,841
01:01:43,400 --> 01:01:46,600
and she sees him coming and she scowls, oh my God,842
01:01:46,600 --> 01:01:49,640
it was one of the nastiest scowls I've ever seen in my life.843
01:01:50,680 --> 01:01:52,320
God, I wish I could scowl like that,844
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:53,920
I could scare the living be Jesus845
01:01:53,920 --> 01:01:57,360
out of all kinds of little kids, but anyway,846
01:01:57,360 --> 01:02:00,600
in Singapore, this woman lady cop looked at me847
01:02:00,600 --> 01:02:02,600
just like that, and I thought, oh fuck, oh fuck,848
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:06,000
they're gonna cane me, oh fuck, oh fuck, what did I do?849
01:02:06,000 --> 01:02:10,600
And she takes her stick thing and she wraps it against a sign850
01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:15,600
that is permanently mounted on some kind of a city pole,851
01:02:15,640 --> 01:02:17,860
street light or something, I can't remember,852
01:02:17,860 --> 01:02:20,400
and it says, do not eat ice cream in this space.853
01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:25,320
And it's literally, I would say, three to four feet854
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:26,600
from the ice cream booth.855
01:02:28,200 --> 01:02:31,720
And, you know, so I just walked away,856
01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:34,120
I kept eating it anyway, but I walked away,857
01:02:34,120 --> 01:02:37,440
but I put the nasty, slimy, sticky wrapper in my pocket.858
01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:41,600
Why did they have, and it was a law,859
01:02:41,600 --> 01:02:44,760
there was an ordinance, there was an ordinance number there.860
01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:45,900
Why did they have that?861
01:02:45,900 --> 01:02:50,000
To keep people from dropping their wrappers,862
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:53,140
or it couldn't have been to,863
01:02:53,140 --> 01:02:55,560
so that people wouldn't impede the flow864
01:02:55,560 --> 01:02:59,520
of pedestrian traffic because I wasn't,865
01:02:59,520 --> 01:03:00,800
and there's no way you could,866
01:03:00,800 --> 01:03:05,360
you're like, you know, behind the ice cream stand thing.867
01:03:06,720 --> 01:03:09,640
Or were they worried about people dripping868
01:03:09,640 --> 01:03:13,080
their nasty ice cream things onto the sidewalk869
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:15,920
and then somebody steps in it, or what the fuck?870
01:03:15,920 --> 01:03:19,400
But anyway, I said it was a very orderly, tidy society,871
01:03:19,400 --> 01:03:22,440
and it is overly so.872
01:03:22,440 --> 01:03:26,720
Okay, all they want is high-end corporations,873
01:03:26,720 --> 01:03:27,560
or that's all they want.874
01:03:27,560 --> 01:03:31,440
They don't want anybody else, period.875
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:35,380
Or servants for those corporations, that's all they want.876
01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:39,440
Anyway, nice people, I like them.877
01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:41,860
Good food, expensive as fuck.878
01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:45,120
Okay, come on now.879
01:03:45,120 --> 01:03:48,120
So, okay, Jackie and her brother and cousins880
01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:50,960
had gone to the local store to get some gum,881
01:03:52,800 --> 01:03:54,740
and in Singapore they became,882
01:03:54,740 --> 01:03:56,760
and as they headed down the country road,883
01:03:56,760 --> 01:03:58,400
Jackie noticed to her left what appeared884
01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:00,740
to be a bright reflection,885
01:04:00,740 --> 01:04:03,200
similar to a mirror being held to the sun.886
01:04:03,200 --> 01:04:06,000
Okay, God, that gets your attention887
01:04:06,000 --> 01:04:07,560
like nothing else, doesn't it?888
01:04:07,560 --> 01:04:10,600
That's why they put him in little survival kits.889
01:04:10,600 --> 01:04:13,120
Being the adventuresome member of the force,890
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:14,480
she went off to investigate.891
01:04:14,480 --> 01:04:19,220
What she saw was a large silvery round-shaped vehicle892
01:04:19,220 --> 01:04:20,060
on the ground.893
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:23,240
Okay, when I think of a, when I hear vehicle,894
01:04:23,240 --> 01:04:25,880
I think it's gotta have fucking wheels, you know.895
01:04:25,880 --> 01:04:27,840
A vehicle has wheels.896
01:04:27,840 --> 01:04:29,640
A flying saucer does not have a vehicle.897
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:31,480
It doesn't have no wheels.898
01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:35,360
She approached the craft and a, what?899
01:04:35,360 --> 01:04:36,720
Oh, what?900
01:04:36,720 --> 01:04:40,800
She approached the craft and, huh.901
01:04:40,800 --> 01:04:43,760
Strangely, a fence seemed to have popped up902
01:04:43,760 --> 01:04:47,680
from the ground in a few seconds surrounding the vehicle.903
01:04:47,680 --> 01:04:49,780
Her cousins tried to pull her.904
01:04:51,400 --> 01:04:52,480
Wow.905
01:04:52,480 --> 01:04:56,080
But a being, not described, why wouldn't you,906
01:04:56,080 --> 01:04:58,360
approached her and without moving its lips,907
01:04:58,360 --> 01:05:00,480
asked her what she was doing there.908
01:05:01,460 --> 01:05:03,760
Well, fuckazoid is my earth.909
01:05:03,760 --> 01:05:04,840
It's not your earth.910
01:05:04,840 --> 01:05:07,140
I can walk where I fucking want to, fuckazoid.911
01:05:08,120 --> 01:05:09,680
Shit.912
01:05:09,680 --> 01:05:11,500
Pretty bossy little fucking alien.913
01:05:13,160 --> 01:05:16,440
I would stick some gum on him, you know, for that.914
01:05:16,440 --> 01:05:20,320
I'd jump in and rub the gum into his fucking hair915
01:05:20,320 --> 01:05:22,560
and then, you know, run right away.916
01:05:23,560 --> 01:05:24,400
Huh.917
01:05:24,400 --> 01:05:25,640
Bossy little son of a bitch.918
01:05:25,640 --> 01:05:28,800
The being also said that they would not hurt her.919
01:05:29,840 --> 01:05:34,840
You know, with Sadea before EU, you won't feel a thing.920
01:05:35,240 --> 01:05:37,040
From that point, she vaguely remembered921
01:05:37,040 --> 01:05:39,680
her brother and cousins crying.922
01:05:40,720 --> 01:05:42,360
Well, you know, some people,923
01:05:42,360 --> 01:05:44,760
probing doesn't sit well with them.924
01:05:44,760 --> 01:05:45,600
I'm sorry.925
01:05:46,840 --> 01:05:48,680
You know, different personalities926
01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:51,580
take to the probing in different ways.927
01:05:53,180 --> 01:05:54,900
And obviously, it wasn't sitting well928
01:05:54,900 --> 01:05:57,380
with these little snowflakes.929
01:05:58,460 --> 01:06:00,500
Her next memory was of seeing her parents930
01:06:00,500 --> 01:06:04,180
and her aunt walking along the road looking for them.931
01:06:04,180 --> 01:06:05,820
They had been gone for five hours.932
01:06:05,820 --> 01:06:07,020
Oh, son of a bitch.933
01:06:07,020 --> 01:06:09,700
You know damn well what happened for five hours.934
01:06:09,700 --> 01:06:10,660
Come on.935
01:06:12,180 --> 01:06:13,540
Oh, hell.936
01:06:16,820 --> 01:06:18,540
See, this, you know,937
01:06:18,540 --> 01:06:20,620
I'm serious, I'm joking, but I'm being serious.938
01:06:20,620 --> 01:06:24,580
Also, what happened for five hours?939
01:06:25,820 --> 01:06:27,700
Five hours.940
01:06:27,700 --> 01:06:32,700
What could they possibly do for five hours, except probing?941
01:06:33,140 --> 01:06:35,620
There's nothing else that takes five hours.942
01:06:39,380 --> 01:06:40,700
Yeah, that's how I see it.943
01:06:41,940 --> 01:06:44,420
Okay, about three or four months after the encounter,944
01:06:44,420 --> 01:06:49,180
a gentleman in military uniform came to Jackie's front door945
01:06:49,180 --> 01:06:51,900
and spoke for a long time with her parents.946
01:06:51,900 --> 01:06:54,900
She was told never to mention to anybody what had occurred.947
01:06:55,900 --> 01:06:56,820
Suck.948
01:07:00,340 --> 01:07:01,700
Suck.949
01:07:01,700 --> 01:07:04,940
In the old days, it seemed as though the men in black,950
01:07:04,940 --> 01:07:06,880
quote unquote, if they exist.951
01:07:08,200 --> 01:07:09,220
I didn't used to think so.952
01:07:09,220 --> 01:07:13,200
I'm, you know, I'm softening on that now.953
01:07:13,200 --> 01:07:15,580
Anyway, in the old days, they seemed to pretty much954
01:07:15,580 --> 01:07:18,020
always wear some kind of uniform.955
01:07:18,020 --> 01:07:20,860
You know, usually they were devoid of rank956
01:07:20,860 --> 01:07:22,700
and certainly no name,957
01:07:22,700 --> 01:07:26,760
but they kind of sort of vaguely looked official.958
01:07:27,700 --> 01:07:28,820
And now they don't.959
01:07:28,820 --> 01:07:32,140
They have really nice suits, you know.960
01:07:36,580 --> 01:07:37,420
Wouldn't that be fun?961
01:07:37,420 --> 01:07:38,620
Oh, son of a bitch.962
01:07:38,620 --> 01:07:40,080
Oh, hell, hell.963
01:07:40,080 --> 01:07:40,920
Wouldn't that be fun?964
01:07:40,920 --> 01:07:41,760
Think about this.965
01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:44,020
The guys on the jackass team,966
01:07:44,020 --> 01:07:45,900
here's a fucking suggestion for them.967
01:07:46,900 --> 01:07:48,660
I would do this if I could afford to do it,968
01:07:48,660 --> 01:07:51,420
if I had time, and if people here spoke English,969
01:07:51,420 --> 01:07:54,460
you know, shit like that, a lot of variables.970
01:07:54,460 --> 01:07:58,260
Okay, so you make up a hoax UFO thing.971
01:07:59,940 --> 01:08:01,780
And you know, to do it convincingly,972
01:08:01,780 --> 01:08:03,280
you gotta have a little money.973
01:08:04,420 --> 01:08:07,180
And you get some kind of big thing, a fishing line,974
01:08:07,180 --> 01:08:09,660
you know, and you go 100 yards from their house975
01:08:09,660 --> 01:08:13,660
and it glows and I don't know,976
01:08:13,660 --> 01:08:16,660
you make it do some kind of magical looking shit,977
01:08:16,660 --> 01:08:17,500
you know, whatever.978
01:08:17,500 --> 01:08:18,660
Only has to do it one time979
01:08:18,660 --> 01:08:20,420
and you put it through the garbage.980
01:08:23,660 --> 01:08:25,580
Maybe you could, oh man, when I was a kid,981
01:08:25,580 --> 01:08:28,560
we used to make, we couldn't afford to go get,982
01:08:28,560 --> 01:08:30,820
put helium in our balloons,983
01:08:30,820 --> 01:08:33,880
so we fashioned a way to make hydrogen gas.984
01:08:33,880 --> 01:08:36,440
And it was almost as good as helium,985
01:08:36,440 --> 01:08:39,720
you know, so we would make hydrogen gas986
01:08:39,720 --> 01:08:41,400
and we would fill up these balloons987
01:08:41,400 --> 01:08:42,960
and then we'd fucking let them go988
01:08:42,960 --> 01:08:44,520
and it was really cool, was it?989
01:08:45,520 --> 01:08:46,720
We could afford to do that.990
01:08:46,720 --> 01:08:47,840
Okay, so you get a big old,991
01:08:47,840 --> 01:08:49,160
you get a 16 foot weather balloon,992
01:08:49,160 --> 01:08:50,480
you fill it full of hydrogen gas.993
01:08:50,480 --> 01:08:52,880
Oh, and then the point I was gonna make was that994
01:08:53,760 --> 01:08:56,040
if you hold a match to them, they go poof,995
01:08:56,040 --> 01:08:57,840
you know, they kinda explode like,996
01:08:58,700 --> 01:09:00,280
they can't build up any pressure in the balloon,997
01:09:00,280 --> 01:09:01,700
so it's just a big old fireball.998
01:09:01,700 --> 01:09:03,040
So you do that, right?999
01:09:03,040 --> 01:09:06,400
16 foot weather balloon, you get them pretty cheap,1000
01:09:06,400 --> 01:09:08,280
I don't know, I think now they're like 30, 40 bucks,1001
01:09:08,280 --> 01:09:10,160
you get one or two or three of those1002
01:09:10,160 --> 01:09:12,160
and you fill them full of hydrogen1003
01:09:12,160 --> 01:09:16,000
and you rig up a igniter,1004
01:09:16,000 --> 01:09:18,120
a Bic light or something like that, I don't know.1005
01:09:19,320 --> 01:09:20,320
And you put them on a fishing line,1006
01:09:20,320 --> 01:09:23,400
you put them three, 400 feet up in the air1007
01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:25,560
so they could see them out their kitchen window, okay?1008
01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:27,840
And then you have somebody,1009
01:09:27,840 --> 01:09:29,960
some girl, some young girl,1010
01:09:29,960 --> 01:09:33,080
and she runs to their house, bam, bam, bam, on the door.1011
01:09:33,080 --> 01:09:35,880
And when they answer, she's all flustered and panic-stricken,1012
01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:37,600
she's like, look, look, look,1013
01:09:37,600 --> 01:09:39,360
in the back of your house, a flying saucer,1014
01:09:39,360 --> 01:09:42,120
oh my God, oh look, look, oh, they're after me,1015
01:09:42,120 --> 01:09:43,720
they're after me, and she runs away, okay.1016
01:09:43,720 --> 01:09:47,560
So she exits stage left, she's gone.1017
01:09:47,560 --> 01:09:48,680
And the people, of course, you know,1018
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:50,580
they run to the kitchen window,1019
01:09:50,580 --> 01:09:53,940
oh, mother fuck, Mabel, look at that mother fucking thing,1020
01:09:53,940 --> 01:09:55,960
Jesus Christ, it's aliens, they're coming to probia,1021
01:09:55,960 --> 01:09:59,280
they're coming to probia, oh God, run, hide in the bed.1022
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:01,560
Okay, so, and then right about that time,1023
01:10:01,560 --> 01:10:03,200
you make it explode, boom.1024
01:10:03,200 --> 01:10:07,720
It's a big orange thing, and you know, it's dark,1025
01:10:07,720 --> 01:10:09,940
so they're not gonna see the remnants of the balloon1026
01:10:09,940 --> 01:10:11,280
fall down, anything like that.1027
01:10:11,280 --> 01:10:12,880
It's gonna be goddamn impressive.1028
01:10:14,200 --> 01:10:17,240
And then you just let that percolate,1029
01:10:17,240 --> 01:10:20,160
yep, you don't, nothing, that's it.1030
01:10:20,160 --> 01:10:21,720
And maybe they talk to some people,1031
01:10:21,720 --> 01:10:24,320
maybe they don't, you know, probably do.1032
01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:28,240
And then, and then, this is where the fun part,1033
01:10:28,240 --> 01:10:30,080
the creative part of this comes in.1034
01:10:30,080 --> 01:10:35,080
You get a couple of, you know,1035
01:10:35,160 --> 01:10:37,140
law enforcement looking guys,1036
01:10:39,720 --> 01:10:42,840
and you put them in men in black suits,1037
01:10:46,040 --> 01:10:49,000
and you have them go knock, knock, knock, knock on the door.1038
01:10:51,480 --> 01:10:54,040
And you know, Grandma Mabel, she opens the door,1039
01:10:54,040 --> 01:10:59,040
and you say, hey, we know you saw something, and we've been1040
01:11:05,040 --> 01:11:07,040
sent by the government to inform you that1041
01:11:09,200 --> 01:11:10,720
they know you saw them too.1042
01:11:13,760 --> 01:11:15,120
And now they're after you.1043
01:11:16,360 --> 01:11:18,800
They're gonna get you.1044
01:11:18,800 --> 01:11:23,800
And we're from the special army ops,1045
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:26,600
some other fucking stupid thing, you make up a name.1046
01:11:27,680 --> 01:11:30,220
And you know, if you allow us to,1047
01:11:31,560 --> 01:11:33,080
we're gonna do our best to protect you,1048
01:11:33,080 --> 01:11:34,700
but you know, really there's no guarantees,1049
01:11:34,700 --> 01:11:37,080
because we've been through the shit before, you know,1050
01:11:37,080 --> 01:11:39,080
and we've lost 85%.1051
01:11:40,960 --> 01:11:42,480
But we're gonna try, you know,1052
01:11:42,480 --> 01:11:43,480
we're gonna give it our all.1053
01:11:43,480 --> 01:11:48,480
We've got some advancements in technology, you know,1054
01:11:49,160 --> 01:11:50,800
we're gonna try them out.1055
01:11:50,800 --> 01:11:52,880
And then, and then you fucking got them,1056
01:11:52,880 --> 01:11:55,520
then you have hooked your fish.1057
01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:57,760
You fucking hooked them with a treble hook, okay?1058
01:11:57,760 --> 01:11:59,720
They ain't getting away at that point.1059
01:11:59,720 --> 01:12:01,040
And they're sitting on the couch,1060
01:12:01,040 --> 01:12:03,400
and they're weeping softly, you know.1061
01:12:03,400 --> 01:12:05,640
Oh my God, my life is over.1062
01:12:05,640 --> 01:12:08,240
What do you think they're gonna do to me?1063
01:12:08,240 --> 01:12:09,680
Well, later they're gonna fucking probe you.1064
01:12:09,680 --> 01:12:11,160
What do you think they're gonna do?1065
01:12:11,160 --> 01:12:12,000
They fucking do that.1066
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:13,640
That's what they do, okay?1067
01:12:14,720 --> 01:12:15,880
Oh my God, they're gonna probe you1068
01:12:15,880 --> 01:12:18,480
till you're fucking dead, you know?1069
01:12:18,480 --> 01:12:20,680
Oh God, and she wails, you know.1070
01:12:20,680 --> 01:12:22,880
And of course you're videotaping with your GoPro.1071
01:12:22,880 --> 01:12:27,120
Oh God, and the grandchildren, you know,1072
01:12:27,120 --> 01:12:28,640
they're looking out from the bedroom,1073
01:12:28,640 --> 01:12:31,040
and their eyes are real big,1074
01:12:31,040 --> 01:12:32,880
and they're thinking, oh my fucking God,1075
01:12:32,880 --> 01:12:36,120
oh my God, this is terrible, this is terrible.1076
01:12:36,120 --> 01:12:37,080
And they get on the cell phone,1077
01:12:37,080 --> 01:12:38,680
and they tell all their friends.1078
01:12:38,680 --> 01:12:41,400
And okay, from that point on,1079
01:12:42,320 --> 01:12:43,440
I'm just giving the outline here.1080
01:12:43,440 --> 01:12:44,840
I'm just giving you the outline.1081
01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:46,840
From that point on, you got them, you own them.1082
01:12:46,840 --> 01:12:48,320
You fucking own them.1083
01:12:48,320 --> 01:12:50,320
They will do anything you tell them to do.1084
01:12:52,440 --> 01:12:54,960
Forever, you know, forever and ever.1085
01:12:56,080 --> 01:12:58,480
Think about the things you could tell them to do.1086
01:12:59,560 --> 01:13:02,240
I can think of, right now, right off the top,1087
01:13:02,240 --> 01:13:06,200
probably, let's say, a thousand things1088
01:13:06,200 --> 01:13:11,200
that would be heinous, demoralizing, embarrassing.1089
01:13:12,600 --> 01:13:17,600
Oh God, why don't I have the money of Gates?1090
01:13:18,160 --> 01:13:19,480
I would do this shit.1091
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:21,840
I would do it every goddamn day.1092
01:13:21,840 --> 01:13:24,880
I would have teams all around the world,1093
01:13:24,880 --> 01:13:27,360
and I would be directing them to do this shit1094
01:13:27,360 --> 01:13:28,800
as much as they could.1095
01:13:31,440 --> 01:13:32,800
You know, I'd have to have the money of Gates1096
01:13:32,800 --> 01:13:34,800
because I'd get sued for that much.1097
01:13:34,800 --> 01:13:37,800
You know, if you're really careful, you don't get sued.1098
01:13:39,640 --> 01:13:41,040
Well, I mean, they can sue you, you know.1099
01:13:41,040 --> 01:13:42,600
They can't necessarily win.1100
01:13:43,600 --> 01:13:44,960
If you're insane, you know,1101
01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:49,400
you just go into this with a document that says1102
01:13:49,400 --> 01:13:51,400
you're insane, and you're fucking off the hook.1103
01:13:51,400 --> 01:13:52,240
You know.1104
01:13:52,240 --> 01:13:53,080
What are they gonna do?1105
01:13:53,080 --> 01:13:55,480
Prevent you from buying fucking balloons and hydrogen?1106
01:13:55,480 --> 01:13:56,320
You know?1107
01:13:57,280 --> 01:13:58,520
How are they gonna do that?1108
01:14:00,200 --> 01:14:01,240
Okay, well.1109
01:14:01,240 --> 01:14:02,800
I like this.1110
01:14:03,640 --> 01:14:04,960
I like it quite a bit.1111
01:14:04,960 --> 01:14:06,080
I don't think they like the probing,1112
01:14:06,080 --> 01:14:07,400
but I like the story.1113
01:14:07,400 --> 01:14:08,240
I've given it,1114
01:14:10,720 --> 01:14:12,720
God, what I wouldn't give for the polygraphs.1115
01:14:14,840 --> 01:14:16,640
I've given it 50 grains.1116
01:14:16,640 --> 01:14:18,240
50 grains, 50.1117
01:14:18,240 --> 01:14:19,560
Yeah, okay.1118
01:14:22,560 --> 01:14:25,480
Okay, well, you've joined the crazy club now.1119
01:14:25,480 --> 01:14:26,320
Oh God.1120
01:14:27,240 --> 01:14:29,240
So, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.1121
01:14:29,240 --> 01:14:32,280
Oh God, spelled with K's.1122
01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:34,880
Is that a domain?1123
01:14:34,880 --> 01:14:36,200
A crazy club?1124
01:14:36,200 --> 01:14:37,040
With K's?1125
01:14:37,920 --> 01:14:39,000
Motherfucker.1126
01:14:39,000 --> 01:14:39,840
Maybe it is.1127
01:14:41,360 --> 01:14:43,240
I'll know about five minutes from now.1128
01:14:44,320 --> 01:14:46,400
I have like 85 domains.1129
01:14:46,400 --> 01:14:47,920
I'm only using like, I don't know,1130
01:14:47,920 --> 01:14:49,800
eight or nine of them, something like that.1131
01:14:49,800 --> 01:14:51,000
I don't know why.1132
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:52,600
I collect them, you know, like a stupid little kid1133
01:14:52,600 --> 01:14:54,160
collects seashells.1134
01:14:54,160 --> 01:14:55,000
I fucking like them.1135
01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:57,920
I have all these ideas that I'm gonna do something1136
01:14:57,920 --> 01:14:59,520
someday with them.1137
01:14:59,520 --> 01:15:01,120
Someday, you know.1138
01:15:01,120 --> 01:15:03,120
If I wasn't so goddamn lazy, I would too.1139
01:15:05,240 --> 01:15:06,080
I don't know.1140
01:15:07,000 --> 01:15:08,160
All right, we're done.1141
01:15:10,680 --> 01:15:13,280
Crazy club, crazy club, crazy club.1142
01:15:13,280 --> 01:15:15,240
With a K, with a K.1143
01:15:15,240 --> 01:15:16,240
God, I don't know.1144
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:18,000
I mean, it could have a possibility.1145
01:15:18,000 --> 01:15:21,400
Anyway, to come here, you can go to alienanoprobe.com1146
01:15:21,400 --> 01:15:24,520
or you can go to theyclaim.com.1147
01:15:24,520 --> 01:15:27,520
And maybe soon, crazyclub.com.1148
01:15:30,320 --> 01:15:32,040
Oh God, we have such fun.1149
01:15:32,040 --> 01:15:33,360
We're the only ones.1150
01:15:33,360 --> 01:15:35,280
You know, everybody else, the entire fucking audience1151
01:15:35,280 --> 01:15:37,400
is out there in the world.1152
01:15:37,400 --> 01:15:40,800
And they're just straight faced, just looking like,1153
01:15:41,800 --> 01:15:44,000
what the fuck are we looking at?1154
01:15:46,680 --> 01:15:48,120
That's the really fun part.1155
01:15:48,120 --> 01:15:54,800
Okay, thank you very much and good evening and good night.